I would like to first start out that when I was young I was forced to go to church, mother was a Catholic. Yes, as most kids in my time the word "forced" was common.
I can't say I ever felt moved or enlightened. Even though I loved looking upon Mother Mary statues and think how nice she looked I knew that couldn't be a real person by no ends.
Then my mother remarried to my current step father and became Baptist. I call even more bullshit on more organized religion pushing. The pastor and his wife were mean as spit. They were also "family". I got ridiculed and berated for being a hefty teenage girl also got called slut and whore for wearing makeup. The two months I stayed with them because we were homeless, was the worst. They were the worst family for my mental well being. Physically, my stepfather took the gold medal on that. But that is just an ingredient to how I became a disbeliever of anything religious. Good people that followed organized religion were bad people in my eyes back then. Everyone had secrets and everyone had fake smiles. Silently judging and saying "God bless you" through clenched teeth.
I was fortunate to get out of that environment. It took a hasty and desperate move to join the military to set me free.
My time as a young adult in the military I did as I liked. Slept in, read tons of books and never once cared about church on Sunday.
I did pray every now and then but for the most part I never practiced spirituality on a normal basis. Fast forward 22 years, I was found by the Goddess and the universe. Yes, those two specifically, let me explain.
I'm not what you call a positive thinker. (present tense because even now I struggle but I think I can get better) I'm a true pessimist and doom sayer, I think if my current friends saw me write that they would think I was spouting some lies. I just keep that shit to myself and always hope for the best. I struggle with making and keeping friends already, being a nay sayer would be my one way ticket to being divorced, my kid hating me and being alone in a house full of cats and fleas till I died.
So I been toying with the idea of meditating to silence my thoughts. To lead my thinking on a path without my mind trying to insert a random crappy thought. I made mental notes on how often a crappy thought and feeling creeps up on me. The frequency was an alarming once every five minutes on a good day.
I went on a search for methods of thinking positively. I ran across people talking about "The Secret". This interested me greatly, people turning their lives around by keeping their thoughts positive on the now and future. I bought the book and read. I found forums and read. I followed it on Facebook and read. I then applied this notion of living in a mental state of 'have and will have" instead of "never and I wish".
Over time I noticed things, things that were changing positively in my direction. Things that I KNEW I will get and KNEW I have. I started getting these moments, things and situations. I started having peace. Thoughts directly affect my material worl and I know the consequences of going back to my unchecked negative thinking. When I feel something creep on me I wrangle my thinking in and practice a cleansing of sorts.
I started a zen tangle journal to train my mind to be blank and also to give thanks for all that I have. Thirty minutes or so of focused thoughts or clarity of mind while drawing repeated patterns. I felt myself transforming and I felt better.
I feel awake to my own thoughts and actions. I learned to recognize miracles that happen around me. I then give a moment of praise and reflection. I would urge anyone I meet to read this book, assess your thinking and work on mental well being. It works.
Next installment I will discuss witchcraft.
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